“Someone had to say it...”
Giving and Receiving Feedback
by Geoff Church, trainer and co-founder of Dramatic Resources
Quality feedback is notoriously hard to get. Imagine: you deliver your message and ask your colleagues “How was that? How did I do?” Invariably, they respond with “Great job, well done” - even if your presentation or pitch was, let’s face it, pretty poor. Everyone walks away feeling a little frustrated, and nobody gets the chance to grow.
On the other side of the coin, receiving feedback can be just as complicated. We all know somebody (or perhaps we are somebody) who becomes defensive in the face of feedback – over-explaining, becoming emotional, or picking holes in the other party’s suggestions.
All the trainers at Dramatic Resources come from the world of theatre, where feedback is built into the creative process. Take a look at our previous article on Resilience for a peek behind the curtain, written by one of our actor-trainers. However, there is an unwritten rule which prevents actors from giving each other ‘notes’ (the theatre terminology for feedback). There is a clear hierarchy, and feedback strictly comes from the director, conductor or choreographer. The waters are muddier when it comes to sharing feedback with our peers.
We are left with a dilemma:
How do we find quality, honest feedback? And what can we do to receive and implement it better?
1. Find the right listener
Impartiality can be an extremely useful tool in giving and receiving feedback. In other words, we often take feedback better from somebody with no “skin in the game” - somebody who we don’t work with, isn’t invested in our performance, and will tread the line between honesty, encouragement, and challenge.
Here’s an example. Back in the late 90s, I met with a client who had been a participant on one of our programmes. I asked her what she remembered from the programme and without hesitation, she said, “Eye contact. In meetings and in one-to-ones, I don’t think I ever made proper eye contact before". Fascinating! I asked her: “How can somebody get to be Head of Marketing in a major UK insurance house without anyone mentioning this before?” She laughed and said, “When does anyone ever talk about this stuff?" In that moment, I realised one of the reasons Dramatic Resources gets hired by Execs and CEOs: we tell them things other people won’t.
Consider working with an expert trainer in communication (hello!) who will help you or your team to identify the behaviours our colleagues are too polite to mention: You fidget when you talk, your posture is slumped, or even... we can’t hear you from over here!
2. Ask the right questions
Most people’s inherent assumption is that other people do not really want to hear the truth. Even if you ask, “Do you have any feedback for me?” the assumption persists. This can make finding constructive feedback a real challenge. Here are five magic words to get specific, actionable pointers from the people you work with... “What can I do better?”
Why does this approach work where other questions fail? Firstly, “What could I do better?” leaves the listener in no doubt that you actually want to know the answer. Secondly, it gives them (and you) some useful boundaries; there is no way to fudge the answer, to be overly polite, or be vague and ambiguous. Likewise, the positive framing of this question lends itself well to constructive feedback. There’s no implication your presentation, communication or leadership style is bad – you're merely asking what could be better.
How about giving feedback? Quite often, we take feedback badly because A) we are unprepared to hear it, or B) We have built it up in our heads and are now emotionally charged (think appraisals!) One of our trainers has a lovely turn of phrase which people find hard to resist. She simply says: “I have a thought for you...”
Simple questions such as “would you like to hear some short feedback?” or “I can offer you some feedback – would you rather talk about it now, or later on?” can provide space for reflection and can redress the power balance between speaker and listener.
3. Pick the right place
If you want to start getting high quality feedback, have the courage to ask for it in private. Many people are nervous about carving out this one-to-one time, but stepping away from the white heat of a project delivery can provide the space for a considered response from both sides.
Of course, it’s not always possible to create these perfect, private circumstances. On a theatre or film project, the pressures of time and budget often mean the director doesn’t have the luxury to choose a separate time or a private location to give feedback. But if the feedback is sensitive, the director typically takes the actor aside to talk to them confidentially (and the rest of the cast and crew know to give this moment the respect it deserves).
This rule applies to business, just as in the world of theatre. Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end of feedback, consider the nature of the conversation you’re about to have and plan accordingly.
Giving and receiving feedback isn’t easy, but it’s the only way to improve. Among us performers, feedback is not just expected - it's embraced, and woven into our next performance. Honest conversations and a willingness to evolve are the secret ingredients to a great opening night. Think of feedback in the workplace as a backstage rehearsal, and believe that your ‘public’ performance will be all the better for it!